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What is self-love anyhow?

What is self-love anyhow?

If you buy into the belief that our true purpose here on earth is to learn to love ourselves, well then how do you know that you’re doing a good job? or even that you DO love yourself?

Love can be hard enough to define when it comes to relationships. It often becomes a question of is it love or just excitement and novelty for new relationships and with longer lasting relationships – is it love or is it just comfortable?

The question for our own self love can be even more difficult to quantify.

Here’s a bash at some points that you may find useful in breaking down the love puzzle!

  • Do you accept and embrace yourself for who you are?
  • Do you give yourself permission to do the things you love to do?
  • Do you fill your cup?
  • Do you express yourself in an authentic way?
  • Do you behave and act in a way that is really you?
  • Do you accept your journey in life and where you are at today?
  • Do you think kind and loving thoughts about yourself?
  • Do you give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from it?
  • Do you create time to play and have fun?
  • Do you allow others to support you?

Is by no means extensive and our self-love needs to be in many directions. We need to love our physically bodies, our personality and emotional traits and then of course our spiritual self is another aspect that we need to embrace as it truly holds our feelings of connection to the world around us and our sense of purpose. In other words – what the hell are we really here for beyond paying the bills right ?

It’s possible to be really good in one direction and absolutely empty in love for ourselves in another. You will know if this is happening as your life will feel quite lob-sided and unhappy or even frustrating.

So what do we really get from self-love?

In my own experience and working with others, it can be quiet a journey to get to having any lasting sense of self-love.

Here’s how some of us would describe it:

More positive mind chatter and less listening to the nagging inner critic.

Feeling passionate about things we have in our lives.

Wanting and willing to go for ‘more’ in multiple directions in our lives.

Better relationships all round and attracting more positive people into our lives.

Confidence and getting on with things we want to do easier.

Happiness and the feeling of ‘I’m me in the world and loving being me’.


Wishing you love on your journey to loving you xo

Fear and Love

Fear and Love

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” – John Lennon

How did John Lennon get it all in one paragraph? By it all I mean, the parameters and purpose of our lives summed up: we gotta learn to love ourselves and then and only then can we truly embrace life. I’d go as far as saying that once you learn to love yourself, your world can be your heaven on earth.

Learning to love oneself is to learn to live from the heart. Conversely, when we don’t love ourselves, we are living in our heads. The occupants, fear and his buddies, can take over and make life a living hell. In everything we do, we are either motivated or turning towards fear or love.

Fear and love are opposites.

I don’t agree with ‘feel the fear and do it anyhow’. That’s like pushing a boulder up a hill and not sustainable over the long run. Why not break up the boulder into smaller chunks? Or a stick of dynamite to blast it into oblivion! Similarly, a much better way is to get to the crux of any feelings we don’t want, and deal with them.

It might not be fear in it’s raw sense. If we are not living in love (which can also be translated as: peace, joy, excitement and acceptance) then we are holding some aspect that is driven by or towards fear. At some level we are in our mind, fear orientated and hearing or doing some of the following:

  • criticizing yourself and constantly putting yourself down?
  • holding back because of fear of failure?
  • angry with someone in your life?
  • running around keeping yourself soooo busy and unable to be alone?
  • worry about money?
  • someone in your life driving you nuts (i.e. irritation)?
  • your relationship a disappointment or are you unhappily single?
  • feel frustrated by some aspect of your life ? career? Finances?
  • doubt your ability to succeed in something that means a lot to you?
  • worry about things that you have absolutely no control over?

dark to light

It’s not about stopping the thoughts. It would be easier to stop a tsunami. There are better options. One is to examine the feeling or thought more consciously. Go into the story, get to the source and interrupt it. Tap inside your inner knowing that holds the crux of the feeling and also has your solution. Write a new outcome for you.

The other option is to make a concerted effort to turn to you heart and tune into what it is telling you. It’s kind of like changing the channel to a different station. Change from fear to love. Every choice you make, every reaction you have to a situation, every outcome of a conversation – ask yourself – is this bringing me to more love?

If you fancy, drop me a message or put a comment with what you’d like to hear more about and I may choose your favourite negative mind chatter to discuss in more detail next week.

Happiness Pie

Happiness Pie

Question 1: How happy are you? On a scale of 0-10 what is your score?
Question 2: What really makes you happy? Write a list… go on, do it!

What is happiness? One thing for sure is, it means different things to different people. Happiness can come and go. Things that make us unhappy can be easier to identify than what makes us happy.

Happiness is the emotional state of contentment, joy, flourishing, rocking, ease, plus a mix of  good health and low stress levels. Happiness can also be described as: having all that we need in our lives.

Do we put too much focus on the ‘need’ list? What do we really need?  Will you be happy when you have everything on your need list? Here’s a (free) recipe for what you really need to be happy! How do we slice the pie?

Scientifically proven too – see note at end


Happiness Pie

50% Genetic predisposition
40% Goals / projects / work / hobbies
10% Life circumstances


  1. 50% or Half the pie = Genetic predisposition
    Take yourself aside and examine your predisposition. Be honest with yourself but don’t over-analyze or judge too harshly – just note your ‘natural’ tendency. Are you a glass is half full person? carry your sun within? tend to find the good in most people or situations? If so, you’ve got that 50% covered.
    If not, and perhaps unlucky to be the child born on a Wednesday and full of woe – not to worry. Seriously, it’s not all bad. Generally most people have one or two areas which can keep them ‘stuck’ or bogged down in a negative thought pattern. The brain is a wonderful organ, more plasticity than play-doh. There are tools and techniques that can easily (and painlessly) help us change our thought patterns. It is possible to shift a tendency from negative, to more positive. Coaching can really help in this area or I can recommend a few good books if that is more your thing! Really and truly worth it for a 50% chunk of your happiness pie!

Change your perspective to change your life”

  1. 40% or the ‘small half’ of the pie =  Goals / projects / work / hobbies
    Having taken yourself aside, it is now time to put yourself back in the center. Look at your world around you and ask yourself: what is in it for you?
    What personal goals are you working on? I’m sorry but surviving the week in work to recover at the weekend doesn’t count. What personal projects or hobbies do you have? What about your work? Is it your passion? Is your work your talent? Are you working to live or living to work? Where are you uniquely you?For many of us, the day job, chores and family take up a significant portion of our time. That is a fact. Or is it your excuse? There are always a few hours in the week, or, you could find them if you really wanted to. Did you realize that you could make yourself 40% happier if you had a hobby/goal/project or work that gave you a sense of fulfillment / pride / passion? What can you add here to spice up your life?

Let’s do what we love, and do a lot of it”
Mark Jacobs

  1. 10% or the skinny slice of the pie = Life Circumstances
    I’m not really going to say much as your life circumstances are only 10% of what makes you happy. Where ever you are right now; location, relationships, financial, health etc it is still 10% of your happiness, no matter how good you have it.
    Reassuringly, no matter how bad it is for you right now, it is still only liable for 10%. You can buy yourself the other, much bigger, 90% by going back to step 1 and 2.

What can coaching do for you?
Feel free to drop me an email or see my About page for further contact information to schedule a free phone consultation.

Note: The above %s are from a Harvard Study on Personal Effectiveness and what makes people happy. If you look at it simply, it explains why all the money in the world cannot buy happiness and conversely, you can be as happy as a pig in sh!t and be broke. Either way the money or the sh!t is only 10% of your happiness!

10 Tips for a Happier Day

10 Tips for a Happier Day

1. Gratitude – start each day with an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful for who and what you have in your life. Be thankful that is another day in your life, giving you the opportunity to make it what you want.

2. Opportunity – today is your day, what is the one thing you can do today to make a difference? It doesn’t have to be anything big. Sow some seeds today and reap the rewards later. What project have you been thinking about? Is there one step you can do today? What relationship is troubling you? What one thing can you do or say today that would make a difference?

3. Perspective – not all days are created equal. We have good days and bad days just as there are good times and bad times. Life is a rollercoaster. Just notice where you are right now. Even if you are on the downhill slope, just know that you will be on the ‘up’ again soon. Things can always be better… and they can always be worse.

4. Do what you can do and do it well – whatever you need to do today, give it your full energy and attention. You can curse and swear silently at some things you need to do but you need to do them anyhow. Why not bring your energy and patience / humour / wisdom  to it and it will take less effort ? You won’t expend as much energy if you do it with a smile.

5. Have real conversations – for everyone you meet today, be real with them. Listen to them. Speak honestly. Don’t just rush through ‘doing’ things all day. Have real connections with people and get more out of your day.

6. Emotions – just notice where you are today. There is no right and wrong. If you are down, why not tell those around you. They may have noticed anyhow. If you talk about it they will understand and from there you get support. If you have children in the house, it teaches them to label and talk about their feelings which is very positive for them.

7. Bigger picture – day to day routine can bog us down. Take stock of bigger picture. What are your bigger plans for you for the year ahead? Remember that 40% of our happiness comes from having personal goals. Do something, no matter how small, in that bucket for yourself today!

8. Blend – what is your day made up of ? Do you have some ‘me’ time ? Each day should give you some time for yourself to do what you want and make sure some is to relax.

9. Notice Nature – being out in nature can be very calming and soothe or soul in this busy world. Plan to get a nature fix each day or just pay more attention to nature when you are out and about.

10. Detox – Don’t watch the news or read the news before you go to bed  – that includes the phone too. In fact, leave the phone away and learn to go to sleep without your “bed-time phonies”. Break the habit of checking all your apps before you sleep.