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What is self-love anyhow?

What is self-love anyhow?

If you buy into the belief that our true purpose here on earth is to learn to love ourselves, well then how do you know that you’re doing a good job? or even that you DO love yourself?

Love can be hard enough to define when it comes to relationships. It often becomes a question of is it love or just excitement and novelty for new relationships and with longer lasting relationships – is it love or is it just comfortable?

The question for our own self love can be even more difficult to quantify.

Here’s a bash at some points that you may find useful in breaking down the love puzzle!

  • Do you accept and embrace yourself for who you are?
  • Do you give yourself permission to do the things you love to do?
  • Do you fill your cup?
  • Do you express yourself in an authentic way?
  • Do you behave and act in a way that is really you?
  • Do you accept your journey in life and where you are at today?
  • Do you think kind and loving thoughts about yourself?
  • Do you give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from it?
  • Do you create time to play and have fun?
  • Do you allow others to support you?

Is by no means extensive and our self-love needs to be in many directions. We need to love our physically bodies, our personality and emotional traits and then of course our spiritual self is another aspect that we need to embrace as it truly holds our feelings of connection to the world around us and our sense of purpose. In other words – what the hell are we really here for beyond paying the bills right ?

It’s possible to be really good in one direction and absolutely empty in love for ourselves in another. You will know if this is happening as your life will feel quite lob-sided and unhappy or even frustrating.

So what do we really get from self-love?

In my own experience and working with others, it can be quiet a journey to get to having any lasting sense of self-love.

Here’s how some of us would describe it:

More positive mind chatter and less listening to the nagging inner critic.

Feeling passionate about things we have in our lives.

Wanting and willing to go for ‘more’ in multiple directions in our lives.

Better relationships all round and attracting more positive people into our lives.

Confidence and getting on with things we want to do easier.

Happiness and the feeling of ‘I’m me in the world and loving being me’.


Wishing you love on your journey to loving you xo

Fear and Love

Fear and Love

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” – John Lennon

How did John Lennon get it all in one paragraph? By it all I mean, the parameters and purpose of our lives summed up: we gotta learn to love ourselves and then and only then can we truly embrace life. I’d go as far as saying that once you learn to love yourself, your world can be your heaven on earth.

Learning to love oneself is to learn to live from the heart. Conversely, when we don’t love ourselves, we are living in our heads. The occupants, fear and his buddies, can take over and make life a living hell. In everything we do, we are either motivated or turning towards fear or love.

Fear and love are opposites.

I don’t agree with ‘feel the fear and do it anyhow’. That’s like pushing a boulder up a hill and not sustainable over the long run. Why not break up the boulder into smaller chunks? Or a stick of dynamite to blast it into oblivion! Similarly, a much better way is to get to the crux of any feelings we don’t want, and deal with them.

It might not be fear in it’s raw sense. If we are not living in love (which can also be translated as: peace, joy, excitement and acceptance) then we are holding some aspect that is driven by or towards fear. At some level we are in our mind, fear orientated and hearing or doing some of the following:

  • criticizing yourself and constantly putting yourself down?
  • holding back because of fear of failure?
  • angry with someone in your life?
  • running around keeping yourself soooo busy and unable to be alone?
  • worry about money?
  • someone in your life driving you nuts (i.e. irritation)?
  • your relationship a disappointment or are you unhappily single?
  • feel frustrated by some aspect of your life ? career? Finances?
  • doubt your ability to succeed in something that means a lot to you?
  • worry about things that you have absolutely no control over?

dark to light

It’s not about stopping the thoughts. It would be easier to stop a tsunami. There are better options. One is to examine the feeling or thought more consciously. Go into the story, get to the source and interrupt it. Tap inside your inner knowing that holds the crux of the feeling and also has your solution. Write a new outcome for you.

The other option is to make a concerted effort to turn to you heart and tune into what it is telling you. It’s kind of like changing the channel to a different station. Change from fear to love. Every choice you make, every reaction you have to a situation, every outcome of a conversation – ask yourself – is this bringing me to more love?

If you fancy, drop me a message or put a comment with what you’d like to hear more about and I may choose your favourite negative mind chatter to discuss in more detail next week.

Difficult conversations

Difficult conversations

I’ve had a few people ask me lately how to deal with upset or disappointment. Be it someone who treated them badly in a specific situation or where they paid for a service that was not completed to the standard they expected. It can be any situation where you feel let-down or slighted and you know you simply deserve better.

So how to deal with these situations ?

Here’s some tips on dealing with those more difficult conversations:

1. What’s the problem?
Can you clearly articulate what the problem is? Pare it down to one sentence. Recognize that right now the offending person may be blissfully unaware that you are disappointed or upset.

2. Cool down
Never address the issue while you are still angry or upset. Whatever energy you are in you will get back. If you start the conversation when you are still heated, you will get that right back. Don’t swing from being the victim in the situation to the perpetrator in the conversation you want to have.

3. Deserve better
Believe that you deserve better. If the person embarrassed you or upset you, know that you deserve to be treated better than that. Take some time to think about how you would like to be treated. Feel you deserve it. If you have handed over money for a service that was not up to standard, feel you deserve better and deserve what you paid for.

4. Get clear on what you want to say
Prepare for the conversation and run it over in your mind what you want to say. Focus on the facts but at the same time honour your feelings and the impact it had. Less of the “you did” and “you said” and more of the “I”. Honour yourself, what you feel you deserve and calmly explain your point of view.

5. Detach from the outcome
The other person may never see it your way. There may not be an opportunity for them to “right” the situation. The purpose of the conversation is to honour how you feel at and let you begin to say “no”. At the very least, by having the conversation with them, it should at some level make them more aware, or wary of treating you in the same way again. You are far more likely to make a lasting impression or impact if you do it calmly rather than fighting with them.

It takes practice
If you address a situation retrospectively, you will be more likely to notice the signs and address the issue real time the next time. Over time you will learn to stop the situation and say “no” in the moment.  You will be more in control if you focus on your needs and what you deserve.